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Fanfiction based on characters from Stephanie Meyerǯs Twilight Series 
Rated M for Mature. 
 
Boycotts & BarFlies
By VJGM
Summary:
AU Everyone is Human and living in Portland. The girls decide to boycott boys and the
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looking for love? ExB, JxA, RxEm.
~* ~
Chapter 1 - Boycotts and BarFlies
BPOV
Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.
--Loretta Young
I found myself on yet another bad date...the story of my life it seemed. The Italian restaurant was dimly
lit, with the smells of garlic and tomatoes filling the air around us. The clanking of dishes rang in my
ears as I intently studied the red and white checkered tablecloth, pushing breadcrumbs from my roll into
a small pile, wondering how much longer I would have to endure this torture. I glanced up when I
suddenly heard my name called, and saw my date, Tyler, looking at me with an irritated look on his
face.
³6Rrry Tyler, I zoned. You were saying... something about that new computer program at work. I'm
1
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on endlessly about accident rates in the Pacific Northwest since we got to the restaurant. Like an answer
to an unspoken prayer, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I glanced down at the phone and saw the
caller ID said 'Alice'. Thank God! I was almost free...
³2KTyler, I'm so sorry, I need to get this. I told $OLFHQRWWRERWKHUPHXQOHVVLWZDVDQHPHUJHQF\´
Yes, I was using the oldest trick in the book, having the girlfriend call midway though the date with an
'emergency' so I could bail if the date sucked. Unfortunately for me, this happened quite often on my
dates lately, so much in fact, that I started going to church regularly so God wouldn't be tempted give
my mom some terminal illness as a punishment for all my lying about her health.
³Alice, I told you not to call unless it's an emergency, I'm on a daWHZLWK7\OHU´,PRXWKHGWKHZRUG
'sorry' to Tyler of extra effect. He shrugged like it was no big deal.
³+L%HOOVGRHVKHVXFN"´$OLFHJLJJOHG,KHDUG5RVDOLHLQWKHEDFNJURXQGVVFUHDP³,ZDUQHG\RX
%HOOD´
³,KDGQRLGHD´,DQVZHUHGWU\LQJQRWWo burst into laughter.
³2KFRPHRQKHSUDFWLFDOO\KDVGXOOWDWWRRHGDFURVVKLVIRUHKHDG:KDWVWRU\DUH\RXJRLQJWRXVH
today, mom in the hospital, mom took a nasty fall, mom hit by a bus? You know those would require
H[WUDSUD\HUVWKLVZHHN%HOOV´Alice teased.
³,WKDWVWHUULEOH´,TXLSSHGEDFNTyler looked confused trying to decipher my end of the conversation.
³2NLWVWKDWEDGKXK"*RLQJIRUPD[LPXPLPSDFWUHDG\WREROWLPPHGLDWHO\":HOO,GRQWNQRZZKDW
you were thinking in accepting the date, he isn't even cute Bella. Just because he lives in the building,
doesn't mean you have to go on a date with him, you should have just said no or told him we were
lesbians...something. God, we seriously need to discuss raising your standards when you get home. Put
KLPRXWRIKLVPLVHU\JRZLWKWKHQDNHGPRPVWRU\0RYLHVWDUWVLQILIWHHQ´)RUWXQDWHO\Alice talks
incredibly fast so it only took her seconds to relay the message. Every so often, I would drop my head
into my hands to sell the story a bit more.
³2IFRXUVH,XQGHUVWDQGQRWKDQN\RXVRPXFKIRUOHWWLQJPHNQRZ$OLFH,OOPHHW\RXWKHUH´,
VQDSSHGWKHSKRQHVKXWDQGWRVVHGP\QDSNLQRQWKHWDEOH³7\OHU,KDYHWRJR´,SURFHHGHGWRUHSOD\
my favorite sob story of my schizophrenic mom who forgot to take her meds and was found naked in a
phone booth downtown. I turned on the waterworks, a gift I had, that came in quite handy. After a few
apologies and a doggie bag, no point wasting perfectly good food when there are starving people in the
world, and it was Alice's payment for saving me, I ran out of the restaurant into the chilly, Portland air.
'
Free at last, Free at last
' I thought, as I jumped into my car and cranked the radio.
I smelled the popcorn as soon as I stepped off of the elevator. Alice and Rosalie must be close to starting
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through the door, I gently tossed my keys into the wicker basket on the counter. Alice and Rosalie were
perched on the couch, remote control and popcorn in hand.
³%HOOD´7KH\VTXHDOHGLQGHOLJKW³<RXHVFDSHG´
2
Rosalie, Alice and I had been best friends for the last two years. We met during college, and after a
horrible time living with insane roommates in the dorms, we decided to get an apartment together and
have enjoyed every minute of it. These days, we were all currently in the midst of a 'dating drought' as
we liked to call it. None of us could find a decent guy so we had been going on a series of random dates
that ranged from bad to disgusting on the date scale. Lately, our Friday nights involved one or two of us
being saved from a bad date, a big bowl of popcorn and a Brad Pitt movie to take our minds off of our
misery.
³5RVHZKDWDUH\RXGRLQJKRPHDOUHDG\"<RXKDGDGDWHWRRKRZG\RXJHWKRPHEHIRUHPH"´+HU
date was at the same times as mine but I remembered she had already been home when Alice called me.
She blushed furiously at my question. Rosalie had very high standards when it came to guys. I loved her,
but if a guy wasn't able to be on the cover of a magazine, she really had no interest in him. That was
Rose, that's just how she was wired. If it was a blind date, she always had the guy wear a red rose on his
lapel so she could check him out before she actually introduced herself to him, or run away if he wasn't
up to her standard of good looking.
³<RXNQRZ,KDWHEOLQGGDWHV,GLGLWDVDIDYRUWRWKLVJLUODWZRUNDQGDIWHUVHHLQJWKLVJX\,PQRW
sure I'm going to ever speak to Cindy again! He was this scrawny blond guy with a cheesy mustache! I
mean really, when have I ever liked a guy with facial hair? Ug! I gave the hostess twenty dollars to tell
KLP,WKUHZXSLQWKHSDUNLQJORW´6KHVDLGFRPSOHWHO\XQDVKDPHGRIKHUDFWLRQV5RVDlie was not one
to waste her time with being nice, and I was glad she liked me, because I wouldn't want to be on her bad
side.
They made their way over to the kitchen counter and plopped down at the bar stools. I placed the foil
swan with my leftovers in iWLQIURQWRI$OLFH³7KDQN\RXIRUVDYLQJPHIURP7\OHUWKH'XOO´,VDLG
with a bow as I stood across the counter from her.
³1RSUREOHP%HOODEXWQH[WWLPHSOHDVHOLVWHQWRXVZKHQZHWHOO\RXVRPHRQHLVQWULJKWIRU\RXZH
know these things...I can sHHWKHIXWXUH´6KHVDLGLQKHUVLOO\SV\FKLFYRLFHDVVKHUROOHGKHUH\HVEDFN
in her head. It was her silliness I loved most about her, Alice could always put a smile on my face.
³6RZHDUHWKHELJORVHUVWKLVZHHNHQG5RVDOLHDWOHDVW,JRWDGHFHQWDppetizer out of it and Alice got a
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5RVHUROOHGKHUH\HV³<HV%HOODEXWWKDWLVDOVRDQKRXURI\RXUOLIH\RXZLOOQHYHUJHWEDFNDQKRXU
wasted... on a dork. I however, spent my hour productively...shopping! Look at these fabulous shoes I
IRXQG´6KHVTXHDOHGDVVKHWKUHZKHUIRRWLQWRWKHDLUKDSSLO\
After an extensive discussions about the versatility of black patent leather heels in your fall wardrobe, I
OHWRXWDORXGVLJK³*LUOs what are we going to do about all these losers we have been going on dates
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$OLFHODXJKHG³,IZHMXVWNHHSJRLQJHYHQWXDOO\ZHZLOOKDYHGDWHGHYHU\ORVHULQWKHJUHDWHU6HDWWOH
area, and then we'll finally come DFURVVDQLFHJX\´
³<HVEXWZHOOEHHLJKW\\HDUVROGE\WKHQLQDQXUVLQJKRPHHDWLQJSXGGLQJDQGPDNLQJ3RSVLFOH
VWLFNVFXOSWXUHV´,WHDVHG³22++FDQZHEHURRPLHVLQWKHQXUVLQJKRPH"´$OLFHVTXHDOHG³7KHQZH
3
can wear out Juicy sweat suits and PDNHDOOWKHRWKHUROGSHRSOHMHDORXVRIRXUIDEXORXVVW\OH´
³(QRXJKDERXWJHWWLQJROGDQGZULQNO\OHWVIRFXVRQWKHKHUHDQGQRZZKHUHZHORRNILWDQGIDEXORXV
,PZLWK%HOOD,PWLUHGRINLVVLQJIURJV,ZDQWWRPDNHRXWZLWKDSULQFH´5RVDOLHZKLQHG³,VWKDWVR
much to ask? One hot, gorgeous, mentally stable, gainfully employed, guy that doesn't smell like
PRWKEDOOVZLWKDQDPD]LQJSHUVRQDOLW\´+HUH\HVJOD]HGRYHUDVVKHEHJDQWRGUHDPRIKHUSHUIHFW
man.
I glanced over at Alice and she had the same dreamy look on her face. I went to the refrigerator, took out
WKUHHEHHUVDQGRSHQHGWKHPEHIRUH,SODFHGRQHLQIURQWRIHDFKRIXV³,SURSRVHZHJRRQD%R\
%R\FRWWXQWLO´,VDLGDV,ZDYHGP\EHHULQWRWKHDLU³:KRVZLWKPH"´
Both of them thought about it for a few seconds before smiles crept onto their faces. Alice of course, had
TXHVWLRQV³:KDWDUHWKHUXOHVRIDER\ER\FRWW"1RGDWHV,DVVXPHEXWZKDWHOVH""&DQZHNLVVUDQGRP
boys? What if they kiss us, well it doesn't happen to me much, but Rose gets that a lot so I figured I'd
DVN´
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notebook off the nearby desk as I chucked her the pen.
³2N%R\%R\FRWW2IILFLDO5XOHV´VKHZURWHDFURss the top of the page.
Rule number one : No dates.
Rule number two: No tongue kissing with boys. Closed lip kissing fine. If a guy crams his tongue down
your throat unexpectedly, it doesn't count unless you kiss him back. (AKA Roslaie's rule)
Rule number three: No sex... of any kind. If you wouldn't want to see your parents do it in front of you
that counts as 'sex' and it's off limits.
Rule number four: Each of us puts $200 into the pot. If you break the rules of the boycott, you lose the
money. The last person (s) standing gets the money to spend on a hot new pair of shoes to be worn on
their first date of 2008 and gets eternal bragging rights about their superior will power.
Rosalie flipped the paper around so Alice and I could read it and check to see if we agreed with all the
rules. We quickly scanned the list, and I was the first to sign the paper followed by Alice, and finally
Rosalie. I ran into my room and grabbed my emergency money and put $200 cash onto the counter.
Alice and Rose did the same thing. We hid the winnings in the cookie jar and tucked it in the corner of
the counter.
³7RWKHER\FRWW´,VDLGDV,UDLVHGP\EHHULQWRWKHDLU³7RWKHER\FRWW´5RVDOLHDQG$OLFHVDLGLQ
unison.
EPOV
The smoke in the club was starting to burn my eyes. I glanced to my left and saw Emmett and Jasper
sitting on the nearby bench, with a blond draped over each of their laps. Suzie and Sandy, were a set of
twins from California with incredible bodies, but about as much personality as a toilet seat.
4
³(GGLH´, heard a whiny voice whisper in my ear. I turned to my right to see Donna, my date for the
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DWWHQWLRQWRPH´6KHDVNHGDVVKHVQDNHGKHUZD\LQWRP\ODS
Because your dull, dim, disgusting, drab,
desol ate, demoni c...
I thought to myself.
Nice use of the letter 'D' Edward...
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not Eddie, please try and remember WKDWRU,ZRQWDQVZHU\RXQH[WWLPH´,VDZ(PPHWWVWDUWODXJKLQJ
out of the corner of my eye as Suzie, or was it Sandy, stroked his hair.
³&RPHRQ(GZDUGOHWVGDQFH´'RQQDVTXHDOHG³,ORYHWKLVVRQJ´6KHVKRXWHGRYHUWKHPXVLFSXOOLQJ
on my arm.
³,GRQWGDQFH'RQQDVRUU\´-DVSHUUDLVHGDQH\HEURZDWPH+HNQHZ,ZDVO\LQJ,ORYHGWRGDQFHEXW
Donna wasn't even worth the walk across the dance floor. I looked at both Emmett and Jasper and
pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers which was our sign for 'Get me the hell out of here
before I vomit.'
7KH\ERWKODXJKHGDQGVWRRGXSVRPHZKDWNQRFNLQJ6X]LHDQG6DQG\WRWKHIORRU³6RUU\ODGLHV
Edward has a migraine, we need to be going. Thanks for a pleasant evening...we'll... see you around.´
Jasper said, as he gallantly kissed Suzie's hand, or was it Sandy's?
We went through the formality of exchanging phone numbers with them, however, the one I gave Donna
was to a local pizza joint. My favorite way to end a bad date. A few kisses on the cheek later and we
were in Emmett's Jeep flying down the highway.
³:KDWWKHKHOOZHUHZHWKLQNLQJJX\V",I,KDGWROLVWHQWRRQHPRUHVWRU\DERXW'RQQDVERULQJVRURULW\
,ZDVJRLQJWRVWDEP\VHOIZLWKDSHQFLO´,VKXGGHUHGDWWKHPHPRU\0\HYHQLQJKDGEHHn filled with
countless stories about rushing and pledging...she was mind-numbingly dull.
³+H\PDQLWZDVWZLQV,KDGWRJRIRULW\RXQHYHUNQRZVRPHWLPHVWZLQVFDQEHDUHDOO\JRRGWLPH
Of course this time, not so much...God were they stupid or what? You know Suzie ...or was it
Sandy...well anyway whoever she was, she actually asked me if she was the first girl I'd picked up at
ZRUN&DQ\RXLPDJLQH´(PPHWWODXJKHG
Jasper, Emmett and I had known each other for years. We met in college and started bar tending at a
local nightclub The Downunder for the last eighteen months. It was easy money and working with my
buddies was the best. On more than one occasion, we had taken out girls we had met while bar tending.
We lovingly called them the 'Bar-Flies'. Some of our co workers I'm sure, considered us man-whores for
our free wheeling ways, but we were young and good looking so we used what we had, to our
advantage. More often than not, the girls ended up being bubble heads and we left them sitting in some
nightclub, never to see them again. Tonight was no different.
Since it was common knowledge I always kept my refrigerator stocked, Emmett and Jasper parked the
car and followed me up to my apartment for a late night snack. Three beers, and a package of mini corn
dogs later we were sitting around my kitchen table questioning if there were and real girls in the Greater
Portland area.
³/RRNDWXV-XVWKRZSLWLIXODUHZH",WVRQD)ULGD\QLJKWDQGZHDUHKXGGOHGDURXQGWKHWDEOH
5
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